I’m an Asshole

By Sarah Phillips

Image from Unsplash

Before I begin, let me introduce myself. My name is Sarah, I’m 19 and I’m convinced I’m the worst person to ever exist. 

My vocabulary is littered with cursing, I find joy in making fun of my friends and I laugh when children fall down. Yes, of course, I know and am aware of people who have done worse things. Serial killers, my ex-boyfriend, the one girl who bullied me horrifically in fifth grade but, those people don’t seem to be aware of the things that they’ve done and walk through life ostensibly oblivious to the pain they cause other people. I, on the other hand, spend every waking moment agonizing over everything I do that could even be construed as an asshole move. Not to mention the times I agonize over whether I did something asshole-like and just don’t realize it, with the person I wronged vowing every day for a vengeance that will never be realized because I don’t realize just how much of an asshole I am.

Now that my thought process behind being the worst person ever is out of the way I want to move onto the why of feeling like I do. As I mentioned before, I’m not a serial killer or a shitty ex-boyfriend, so why do I feel so awful about myself and my missteps no matter how small and insignificant they may seem?

The good news is feeling like you're a bad person doesn’t always mean you are one. Writer Jenna Fletcher points out in an article for PsychCentral,  that the distinction between good and bad is not always clear and is instead dependent on intersecting factors of culture, society and background. That is to say, people do not always view the same things as bad. Viewing things as “good” and “bad” is incredibly subjective between unique individuals, seeing as we all have unique perspectives and backgrounds.

Another piece of good news is, as Jenna Fletcher emphasizes, that facing regret for your allegedly “bad” actions is an indicator of remorse which is a sign that you feel – a good sign of caring about people and their feelings. Feeling like a bad person rather than being perceived as one (and being seen by those around you as one) is instead an indicator of conditions such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem or consistent abuse from those around you.

Psychological rehabilitation specialist and educator Kendra Cherry points out that instead of labeling actions as “good” and “bad” there is a factor of personality called the “Dark Factor of Personality” which includes people who willingly parktake in actions that cause harm to other people. People with a “Dark Factor of Personality” often have traits that include entitlement, immorality, neuroticism, sadism and self-centeredness. People with these traits consciously do things only in their own self-interest, with almost no remorse for how their actions can impact the health and well-being of other people.

Being a “bad person” is not a straightforward thing. We as humans make mistakes and act in our self-interest a lot of the time. No one is a completely “good” person. Heck, most of the people I have met who concretely label themselves as “good” people are devil incarnates hell-bent on destroying people with little remorse or accountability for the harm they cause. In the end, worrying if you're a bad person is a sign of empathy and caring about how your actions affect others. Almost no one is distinctly “good” or “bad” so we should all try to give ourselves grace with our mistakes and deficits to learn and grow from them. Let's be the best people we can be, regardless of how we feel.