Long Distance Call
Story by: Zoe London
The summer before my first semester of college, I vividly remember turning down a friend who asked me to try a long-distance relationship with him. He asked this after our first date. We were both about to leave for colleges that were five hours apart. We’d also only met a month before. I was hesitant to commit to a long-term relationship when I didn’t know what our future might be like.
Besides these reasons though, I had no desire to be in a long-distance relationship (LDR, for short). It sounded lonely and anxiety-inducing and lacking the physical touch I knew I’d crave from a partner. It was an easy no.
Flash forward to 2020. As luck would have it, I found myself in none other than an LDR with my now fiancé, Annabelle.
It’s the happiest accident I’ve ever experienced. So what changed my mind on LDRs?
For one thing, the year itself played a large role. I met my fiancé in the summer of 2020—the COVID-19 summer that I spent either hanging out in my childhood bedroom, taking aimless drives around my hometown or scrolling social media. 2020 was the resurgence of my interest in fandom spaces and getting to know people with similar interests on Twitter and Tumblr.
My life was in flux at this point, too. Given the uncertainty of the future, I spent the summer toying with the idea of leaving my current college and taking a year off. My life was a blank canvas. With the rest of the world more or less “paused,” I suddenly had ample time to rediscover lost passions, like writing. I had time to connect with people I wouldn’t have met otherwise—and re-envision all the plans I’d had for my life.
Once the right person was telling me she loved me, long distance didn’t seem so long after all.
… Alright, so it isn’t always that simple. The decision to do long distance with my fiancé was a no-brainer, so much so that it didn’t even occur to me that I’d changed my mind on LDRs. However, I was definitely naive to think long distance wouldn’t feel long. In fact, if you really love the person, it feels like entire solar systems separate the two of you—rather than a few plane rides or 10 hours in the car.
In the age of dating apps and more unconventional love stories, finding your soulmate online and falling in love at a distance is more common than ever. When my fiancé and I moved in together for the first time, we’d only seen each other in person a handful of times. For others, especially college students, LDRs are an inevitability if you and your significant other go to different colleges or you aren’t from the same hometown. With so much technology at our fingertips, LDRs are easier than ever to maintain.
However, LDRs are still by no means easy.
For me, the most difficult part of long-distance has been the long stretches of time without seeing each other. I’ve been going to Stephens since Fall 2021, but my partner lives in Ohio. This means that our time spent together is based around the academic calendar.
It means missed classes, long days of driving and doing homework in between flights—all for the chance to spend two, maybe three days together at a time. This isn’t even to mention the financial hurdle of long distance. Travel isn’t cheap and sometimes an LDR means you have to forgo vacations and other expenses so you can afford to see your partner.
Beyond the difficult logistics of being in an LDR, it gets lonely. I’ve experienced pangs of jealousy when my college friends get to go to events with their partners. All I can do is send a picture to my fiancé and say I miss you.
There’s a dissonance to being in a committed relationship—engaged, in my case—and yet not always feeling like you are in your day-to-day life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t forget I’m in a relationship (my fiancé is on my mind 24/7), but the physical distance makes my relationship feel utterly separate from my life at school. I get sad that my fiancé isn’t in many of my memories on campus, isn’t embedded in every corner of Columbia that’s special to me.
Sometimes, I wish we could’ve gone to college together and seen each other every day. But if I could go back and make a different choice, I would still choose to be in an LDR. In a heartbeat. Why?
To put it simply, an LDR can be a positive, life-changing experience.
My LDR has meant lonely moments, unique obstacles, always longing for someone who is hundreds of miles away—but it’s also given me a ton of opportunities to grow. I’m not the same person I was in 2020, back before I’d ever been in a long-term relationship, let alone an LDR. One of the biggest joys of my relationship has been seeing how Annabelle and I have grown together and independently.
Starting (or, in my case, returning to) college is a huge transition. If you go to college already in a relationship, it’s easy to rely on your partner instead of branching out, trying new things or building new friendships. The fact that I came to Stephens in an LDR meant that I didn’t have that safety net. Since my fiancé wasn’t physically here with me, I realized how important it was to cultivate other meaningful relationships in my life. Being a well-rounded person with your own interests and friends is essential to a healthy relationship—and looking back, I’m so glad I learned this from my LDR.
Long distance is challenging, and I’m not saying it’s an instant thing. It takes a lot of trial, error and more error. Even so, I can confidently say that being in an LDR has made me a better partner. It’s made me better at communicating and being attentive to someone else’s needs. I’ve learned the importance of quality time and I’ve gotten more creative with what quality time can look like.
Photo by Nora Russell
More than anything, my LDR has reaffirmed that in order to invest in another person, you also have to invest in yourself.
For so many years, I thought love and romance could fix all my problems. If I was just in a relationship, I’d always be happy. And while my LDR has brought immeasurable happiness into my life, it’s also shown me that it can’t be the only source of happiness in my life. I think this was incredibly healthy for me to realize.
Having said that—what is my advice on navigating an LDR? This is by no means an exhaustive list, but some things that have helped me and Annabelle along the way:
Intentionality—You don’t have to text and call 24/7, but you should be intentional about setting aside time for your LDR. Whether that’s blocking out a night every week for quality time or calling each other before bed every night, try to make a routine and stick to it. It’ll make a huge difference in maintaining your bond.
Creativity—Get creative with what quality time means to you! Maybe you detest Zoom calls, but you enjoy gaming or streaming your favorite show together. Consider turning tedious chores into an excuse to talk on the phone while you both do them. Whatever you decide to do, always remember that spending time together can take whatever form works best for you.
Love languages—This was a big one for me and Annabelle. Especially when you’re maintaining an LDR, recognizing both how you best receive love and how your partner feels most loved is key to making sure everyone is happy. Take time to have conversations about this and really reflect on what you need.
Forgiveness and empathy—Most of us have never been in an LDR before, so it’s a big learning curve. Misunderstandings will happen. Obligations in your immediate surroundings will take precedence over a Zoom date. Someday, you may accidentally fall asleep with your ringer off and wake up at 3am to a security guard pounding on your door, saying that your girlfriend couldn’t get ahold of you and was worried that you died (true story). Through mistakes and miscommunication, always stay empathetic with your partner and get in the habit of forgiveness. Make these experiences that you can learn from together.
Compromise—In any relationship, but especially an LDR, it is crucial to remember that you’re on the same team. More often than not, your problem won’t be with each other—it’s with the obstacles that accompany distance. So when there’s an opportunity to compromise, take advantage of it. If enabling location sharing will ease your partner’s anxieties, do it. If your partner sleeps better if they can call you before bed, let them, even if you’d rather not be woken up. It’s these little acts of compromise that reinforce the trust and commitment you have to each other.
The personal transformation I’ve experienced through my relationship has only strengthened my ability to love other people. For that reason and a million others, I’m so grateful that I changed my mind on LDRs. If I’d never learned how to love someone up close and from a distance, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
And what’s more? I graduate from Stephens in December. With that, my time in an LDR will finally come to an end. I grow more excited every day to move back to Ohio and be reunited with my fiancé—for good this time. For now, I’m taking time to appreciate the little things: only doing dishes for one person instead of two, no accusations of being a bed hog, etc. While I’m eager for my LDR to become a “regular” relationship, I will forever look back on this period of my life with fondness and appreciation.
It’s been a long, lovely journey—but I’m ready to finally go home.