Loving & Letting Go
By Emmalee Djerf
Step 1: Breathe In
Losing someone is a conundrum. It is a confusing and challenging experience, whether it’s through death or a falling out. Not only does your heart shatter into tiny pieces, but your mind races to keep up and your body quakes with uncertainty. Not to mention that it’s also sticky. Very sticky. Like a fly caught in a spider’s web, fighting for its life. I don’t know about you, but I hate being sticky. When losing someone, the memories and emotions grip your brain tightly like a chocolate milkshake spilling onto your skin on a hot summer day. You’ll get up and head to the nearest bathroom to wash it off. While you’re wringing your hands with suds, you may look into the mirror, even just a glance, then be flooded with whirling thoughts and breathe in.
Step 2: Speculate
Let’s take this a bit further. As you stand before the mirror, you might scrutinize your reflection, lost in thought, and can't help but wonder how you got yourself into such a muddle that now feels so invasive, catastrophic and mind-boggling. All of this over a mere milkshake. You ponder whether you're overreacting. As the adage goes: "No use crying over spilled milk." However, those words ring hollow. How can anyone else decide which milk is worth crying over when they weren't the ones who lost out on precious moments and shared laughter? After losing someone, you’ll try to reconcile with the situation and find yourself struggling to move forward. Your mind keeps drifting back to the past, making it hard to focus on the present. How do you even begin to pick up the pieces when all you can do is dwell on what's lost? For this portion of advice, just keep thinking. Think about anything and everything. Speculate on how things have changed, what you could have done and what you will do next.
Step 3: Feel
No matter what's happening around you, you're present in every moment - even if you are not conscious. You can feel the stickiness of your hands, the sensation of water running over them and the soap gliding between your fingers as you rub them together. This heightened awareness is similar to what you experience when you lose someone. In the aftermath of a loss, you experience a range of emotions. You may feel anger, despair, insecurity and hollowness, but you may also experience happiness, relief, finality and love. While it may take some time to feel anything positive again, know it will happen eventually. At the moment, you might feel like you've lost a piece of yourself as if your soul has chipped away. However, it's important to remember that you will heal in time and that you will feel more than just negativity once more.
Step 4: Express
Losing someone you care about can be a challenging and painful experience. Whether it's through death or a falling out, it can leave you feeling empty and lost. It's like when you're enjoying a milkshake. Suddenly you hit a hollow spot and the flavor is gone. You're left going through the motions. In the same way, your emotions are the ingredients of this milkshake. Each emotion adds a unique and complex flavor to your experiences. As previously mentioned, when you lose someone, you may feel a swirl of emotions, such as sadness, love and memories. It's okay to let these emotions blend and mix, to feel them fully and authentically. Expressing your emotions is vital for processing them and moving forward. There is no right or wrong way to express yourself, as long as it feels true to who you are. You may choose to talk it out with a trusted friend or therapist, write in a journal, create art, or even cry or scream until your throat is sore. Whatever method you choose, it's important to express your emotions in a way that feels authentic to you. Remember that healing takes time and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dealing with loss. Be patient with yourself and don't be afraid to seek support if you need it. The most important thing is to honor your emotions and allow yourself to exert them fully so that you can begin to move forward and find peace.
Step 5: Acknowledge
The triggers of losing someone are like splashes that reach far beyond the initial spill, touching parts of your life you wouldn’t expect. Maybe you are walking through the park and are randomly hit with the smell of chocolate, reverting you to the past. What can you do? You can’t control when you smell the chocolate. You can acknowledge these triggers, you can recognize each splash and understand that it may be a part of a bigger mess. However, you can always clean up the spill. Even though it’s tough, you have to face it. You might use paper towels, letting yourself absorb the current emotions. Or maybe you need a mop, a gesture like talking to someone about those triggers. Over time you’ll clean it up spot by spot and while the stain may remain, you learn to live with it and it becomes a part of your story.
Step 6: Remember
Even though the milkshake is gone now, and everything might seem irrevocably changed, the initial spill is heartbreaking, chaotic and overwhelming. But what’s inspiring about these changes is that the love and experiences shared have added flavor to your taste buds. The person you lost contributed to the richness of your life, even if you don’t believe so. All you must do is figure out how to move forward and to remember. Is it the sweetness of your memories or the strength it gave you to carry forward? In time, the mess of the spill becomes less about the loss and more about the unique blend that contributed to your life. Remembering the spill is a testament to the impact. It can never be undone but it can be cherished. Remember the milkshake not for the moment it spilled but for the rich flavor that lingers with you. It can inspire new experiences, connections and flavors to add to your life’s blend. In hindsight, honoring the legacy left behind, but yourself too.
Step 7: Breathe Out
Going back to the bathroom, you’ll see that washing away the mess, the suds going down the drain, as a symbolic release of what was. You aren’t just cleaning your hands but smoothing the edges of your heartache, making room for a fresh start. Next, grab some paper towels to soak up the last little remnants of the event, then toss the paper towels into the trash, the physical evidence of the spill disappearing with it. Now you’ll be ready to flick off the bathroom light; the chapter closes with a soft click. With it, the mess becomes a memory. Stepping out, the weight of the spill will fall off your shoulders. You might stop to contemplate once more in the quiet aftermath, but then you breathe out, letting go of the last vestiges of the mess. It’s in this final tip, this gentle exhale, that you find your moment of peace.